Not Defined By My Past

   It's been at the back of my mind for a while now to share a part of my story. I've wrestled with myself, and God, about whether or not I was actually going to do it. But I feel like God is telling me I need to do this. If you're like me, you probably try to avoid talking about your past as much as possible. We don't want people to see us differently, you know? But then I remember that I am not defined by my past; my past is a reminder of the grace, love, and forgiveness God has shown me. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

    A lot of people probably know that I grew up in church; I got saved and baptized at a young age. But they most likely don't know about the mistakes and failures I've made/had along the way. Today, I'm going to share a story with you about how my life was changed in a big way. A time when I should have put all my trust and faith in God to get me through, but I really didn't. Instead, I was more so relying on temporary, "feel-good" things to help get me through. And I was fully convinced that I needed that to help me. When in reality, all I needed was God's help.

    I've struggled with anxiety and depression for many years, and if you've experienced either/both, you probably know that you can get triggered by even the smallest things, and sometimes for no reason at all. So, when you're dealing with difficult situations it probably feels 10x worse to you than it would to someone who doesn't have anxiety. It's not fun; and it's hard to explain to someone who's never experienced it. But that's a story for another time. I just wanted to briefly explain what I was already dealing with in my everyday life before this particular situation came about.

    So, several years ago I was working a public facing, customer service type job. I had been there many years, and when the company started making big changes, it became really stressful for me. It was like re-learning the job, and I honestly kind of hated it. My anxiety and depression just kept getting worse. I would come home and cry a lot, and/or completely shut down, and I would occasionally have panic/anxiety attacks. I just wanted to quit my job, but I knew I couldn't. This is when I should have really been reaching out to God for help, and I'm a little ashamed to admit that I didn't; not at first anyways. We had hardly even been going to church. And because I was kind of drifting away from God, I started to turn to something else that would make me feel better. I would often say it helped "calm me" and relieve my stress so I "needed" it. When in reality it was only masking the stress for a little while and not actually fixing it. It started with a glass of wine here and there after work, but as time went on it became 2 glasses or more, sometimes even the whole bottle. My days continued to get more stressful, so eventually I started buying stronger alcohol. I just kept telling myself it wasn't a big deal because without it I wouldn't be able to calm down and relax after a stressful day. But it soon became more than just drinking on stressful days, because I would drink on the weekends, and at events too. I was oblivious to how bad it had gotten. I was going down the wrong path, and thankfully God put something in my way that would cause me to stop and change my direction.

    I got on Facebook one day and saw a post about a job. I was immediately interested because it was at my daughter's school, a Christian school, which was just what I needed. So, I anxiously applied, even though I'd never worked at a school before. I've always loved kids and thought that maybe one day I would be a teacher. I was praying hard that I would get this job. I was so happy with just the thought of a new job; I finally had some hope that my life was going to get better. I wasn't having that need/want for alcohol anymore. It's honestly amazing that I was able to stop so easily; thank you Jesus for that! I got called for an interview and I thought it went really well. So, I started to have even more hope that things would soon change for the better. But days went by, and then weeks. I was really struggling because I wanted this job so bad; I needed it. I was in a waiting period, and I was being impatient. Now I really started reaching out to God more, because I needed His help. I prayed to God to please just give me an answer, tell me something, because I don't know how much longer I can do this. And I probably prayed that same prayer every day. One day I was backing out of the driveway when a song came on that made me stop after hearing just the first two lines, and I broke down and cried. I'm going to share a little bit of it, but you should definitely give it a listen! It's called I Will Carry You by Ellie Holcomb. This song was the reminder that I needed; God knows what I'm going through, and He's got me.

"I know you're tired, I see it in your eyes

All that anxiety that rules your mind

I'll be your shield when you don't feel like

You've got strength enough to fight

I'll stand by your side

I will carry you

Through your darkest night

When you're terrified

I will carry you

When the waters rise

When your hope runs dry

I will carry you"                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

    It had been about a month and a half since I had my interview, and I still hadn't heard anything. Everyone at work knew I had applied for this job and that I was waiting to hear back. I was telling my coworkers "I need to hear something today, because if I put my two weeks in today, I could start the new job on the first day of school." I didn't know what to do, and I was afraid of putting in my two weeks then not getting the job. But then my husband texted me a little later and told me about a dream he had. In the dream he was talking to a random guy, someone he's never even seen before, and he was telling him about my job and what I had been going through, and the guy said to him "No, forget that. Tell her to put her two weeks in." When he told me that I was like woah, that has to be from God, right? I mean, I needed an answer today and that seems to be a pretty clear answer. I told my manager about it, and I said, I feel like that's God telling me to take a leap of faith, to fully put my trust in Him. And even though I had no idea what was to come, I took the leap and put my two weeks in. It wasn't that same day or even the next day; but after several more days I got the call I had been waiting for; I got the job! I was so happy and super excited to start this new chapter in my life. 

    I knew God had a plan for my life; a path that was much better than the one I was on. God was what I needed all along, not some momentary feel-good fix. It just took going through a big struggle for me to see that. God wanted to draw me back to Him because I had drifted away (whether I believed I had or not.) I just had to reach out to Him; and I wish I had done that so much sooner! God brought me out of this pit that I felt like I was stuck in, and I am so incredibly grateful. I'm now in a place in my life where I honestly never thought I would be. I love my job; working with kiddos brings me so much joy! I'm part of a church family where I finally feel like I belong and have a purpose. I get to be a part of leading others in worship, and it has made MY worship so much stronger! I often read the lyrics to the songs as well as listening to them every day, so I can fully grasp what the song is saying. Some song lyrics that stood out to me recently are "I've still got joy in chaos; I've got peace that makes no sense." When I heard those words, I was like woah, that's been so true in my life for a while now, and I hadn't even realized/appreciated it. I'm so thankful for the joy and happiness that God has given me since pulling me out of that pit! I hope sharing my story can help change someone else's story. And if you need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to reach out, whether it's to me or someone else you know and feel comfortable with.

✝

"The Lord himself goes before you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." -Deuteronomy 31:8